


Silent like the Snow

by AudreyRose



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorders, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-11
Updated: 2015-04-11
Packaged: 2018-03-22 07:04:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3719635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AudreyRose/pseuds/AudreyRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tour life is not for Zayn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Silent like the Snow

He knows he’s gotten noticeably thinner, senses the concerned looks from the boys even when his eyes are on his feet. Liam is so careful with him, not sure what he should say to the slim older boy. Hell he doesn’t even know what he would say if he really pressed him, he knows he’s pulling away from them and he doesn’t know how to fix it. This isn’t the life for him, too many bright lights and cameras. He can’t handle the people prying, everyone expecting more than he can give. He doesn’t even know what he should do anymore, he doesn’t even feel human anymore. He feels like a shallow shell, numbed to his own emotions.

Strong arms wrap around him from behind and he doesn’t react, he can practically feel Liam frowning behind him. ”What’s wrong Zee?” his voice is quiet and he can almost pretend that he doesn’t hear him. Instead he shakes his head and forces a smile he knows won’t reach his eyes as Liam turns him, he can’t stand to see the worry in the brunet’s eyes. He ducks his head and above him Liam lets out a disappointed sigh, he bites down on his lip and wraps his arms around himself. “Why aren’t you talking to me? Did I do something wrong?”

“No,” his head shoots up and his eyes widen as he shakes his head. Liam could do no wrong in his eyes, he was the most reliable, honest, uncorrupted person he had the privilege to have in his life. “I-it’s not you, I-I,” he bites down on his lip while he tries to put words together. “I just have a lot on my mind, I promise it has nothing to do with you,” he lets his forehead rest against the taller boys shoulder. “’t’s just stress, miss home ya know?” he looks up with a sad smile and while it’s not a total lie he feels guilty when the brunet’s eyes soften. None of them bother him when he crawls into his bunk before it’s even nine, he’s silently grateful.

 

He pulls his knees up to his chest and stares out of the window, it’s early and he knows that none of the others will be up for at least a few more hours. His sketchbook lies next to him but he has no inspiration, instead he continues to sit silently watching the sky lighten and the snow start to fall. He doesn’t even realize how still he’s been sitting until Louis flings himself into the space beside him. He blinks slowly as Lou talks at a mile per minute, none of his words sinking in and an over exaggerated sigh leaves his mouth. “Zaynie did you even hear anything I just said?” and he finds himself shaking his head and pulling even more into himself. Something in the brunet’s eyes change then, some sadness that hadn’t been there before making itself known. “Me, you, breakfast and shopping?” the slight desperation made him feel guilty so he nods slowly. 

Somewhere in his gut he knows that the older of the two is going to try to get him to talk, he feels him watching him as he slides across from him in the booth. Lou orders for them both and then talks at him until the food comes, he doesn’t take any of his words in and it makes him feel even guiltier. He stares down at his plate, the mountain of fried potatoes, eggs and four pancakes. He swallows thickly and he’s all too aware of the set of eyes watching as he picks up his fork, he finishes two of the pancakes and a portion of the potatoes, he doesn’t touch the eggs more than to push them around. He hears Lou let out a sigh and he ducks his head down, the brunet nudges his foot and smiles at him and his shoulders slump. He lets him drag him out of the restaurant and he somehow finds himself in a darkened secondhand shop, the brunet pushing vintage shirts and ripped jeans at him.

A small smile tugs at his lips as Lou pushes him into a changing room, everything the older boy picked exactly what he’d pick out himself. Lou keeps picking things while he tries things on, throwing him a few oversized warm sweaters and worn leather jackets. They each leave with at least three bags, when they get back to the hotel he finds his suitcase on the bed nearest the window and Liam doing pushups in-between the beds. He feels slightly human and once he dumps his bags he heads to the bathroom, feeling the need for a shower. When he comes back out he’s fully dressed and Liam is lying on the floor, he’s too aware of the eyes following him to his bed. He lets a small smile tug at his lips.

 

He knows the moment his stomach drops that he can’t finish the show, his lungs feel tight and he can’t draw breath properly. He asks Liam to fill in and he knows that he’s letting his fans down, but he curls in on himself the moment he gets to the changing rooms. He’s shaking and crying and he doesn’t know why, he presses his back to the rough brick and pulls his knees up to his chest. He’s not sure how long he stays like that, trying to calm himself but when he stands his legs are like jelly. He gets back to the bus and crawls into his bunk, asleep before he even kicks his boots off. He stirs when the bus jerks and he can hear the boys as they settle, Niall climbing into the bunk above him. He also is aware when Liam checks on him his hands combing through his hair carefully before crawling in behind him. He’s glad that they don’t have a gig tomorrow and he settles back against Liam.

 

He smiles as he listens to his mum, telling him about her day and how the girls are doing. He feels like he’s failing them with how much he’s missing but the tone in Trish’s voice makes him glow. He’s aware he has tears streaming down his cheeks but he does his best to hide it. “Love you mum,” he whispers into the phone, his voice thick and he hears her sniffle.   
“Love you too sunshine.”

 

Harry comes back from some club and crawls into his bed, he rolls over and the limby boy lays his head on his chest. He feels the tears on his shirt and he wraps an arm around the shaking boy. Neither of them speak, just knowing the other is there helps. Neither of them speak about it the next morning. Neither of them willing to bring it up, or that neither of them are willing to admit that they’re unhappy with this life. Both boys unwilling to admit that they might need help, they just sit in silence and drink their morning coffee.

 

He feels like he’s spiraling, that he’s losing touch. He’s not sure what it is about this tour that’s wearing him so thin but he knows the others feel it too. Harry looks tired and unhappy, Liam’s been drinking too much, Louis is too timid and unlike himself and Niall is angry and on edge. When the five of them are on the bus the tension is so thick it’s terrifying, when did it get to be like this? He stays away from as much hate as he can, instead sifting through the fans that are supporting them no matter what. The talent that so many of them possess making him smile and pull himself together as much as possible, he tries to ignore the rumors that swirl around each and every year. He curls up next to Niall and listens to the Irishman strumming his guitar.

He sits up and writes down some lyrics and beside him Niall lights up and plays with a bit more direction. Niall elbows him and he swallows thickly before singing quietly. He’s aware of blue eyes watching him and he glances over at the blonde with a slight smile once he stops singing. “Good yea?”

Niall grins and nods and he preens silently.

 

He knows better than to read what people have been saying, but he somehow finds himself glued in front of the laptop. He shakes at the anonymous hateful words, stinging him harder than he would have imagined. He pushes the laptop away as he stands from the bed, he stalks past Liam into the bathroom. He’s not sure why he feels so self-destructive all of a sudden but he doesn’t question it. He locks the door behind him, before turning to stare into the mirror. He doesn’t quite recognize himself if he’s honest, hell he’s not even sure who he is anymore. He closes his eyes and lets out a breath before rummaging through a drawer, his fingers closing around what he was searching for. He sinks to the floor and stares at the glinting silver silently, contemplating momentarily.

He digs the dull blade into the inside of his forearm, his eyes squeezing shut as the red rushes to the surface. He drags in a harsh breath and feels the tears pricking at the corners of his eyes, he licks his lips and repeats the motion. He hears the pounding at the door and what could be his name, but it all sounds so far away and his eyelids feel heavy. He’s aware when he’s gathered into thick familiar arms, his name near his ear and he slowly opens his eyes. Worried warm brown eyes look down at him and he feels his body shaking. He lets out a sob and Liam holds him closer, the younger of the two waits until he stops shaking and Liam pulls him to his feet. He’s sat on the closed toilet lid and Liam cleans the angry cuts that he’d inflicted. Liam is asking him why he’s done this and he starts sobbing again, he’s uttering nonsense through the sobs but there are words that Liam can make out.

“I can’t do this anymore, I need help.”

 

They finally get to take a worthwhile break. He talks to a doctor at Liam’s request and he feels like it helps some. When he goes home he dumps his bags by the front door and he doesn’t leave his bed for two days, when he finally emerges Liam is there cooking something that smells amazing. He obediently sits and he’s not really surprised that Liam is the one checking in on him. A plate of creamy rice, chicken and veggies is placed in front of him and he eats like it’s his last meal, he’s aware of Liam watching as he eats. He licks his lips and looks across to the younger boy. “Is there more?” and he sees the surprise on the brunet’s face, quickly replaced by a genuine smile.

“Yeah, yeah there is.”


End file.
